So any loyal readers (all 2 of them) to this blog may have noticed a recurring trend in the majority of my posts.

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Yes, as you cannot have an omelette without breaking a few eggs, you also cannot have a series of hangover blogs without breaking your brain from heavy alcohol consumption. However I thought it was time for a change and to actually attempt to show the world that I am a responsible and fully somewhat function adult, by sharing with you my tips on How Not to get Hungover.

The reason behind the first, in what I hope are many, of my wisdomous life lessons is because this past weekend I found myself in a position where I needed to be up early on a Sunday morning, and absolutely not be hungover. “But David,” I hear you cry (or should that be read you cry, if I’m writing this as a blog), “Why don’t you just not drink the night before?” Ho-ho, if only life were that simple. You see the preceding Saturday I found myself up in London for the 28 Plays Later meetup, which saw me in an enclosed space, with a large number of theatre types, in close proximity to a running stream of alcohol. You don’t have to be Einstien to know the outcome of that equation. However I needed to be compus mentis for Sunday morning, as I was due to take part in a film shoot in Southampton (my first time acting on camera) had a near three hour journey back home ahead of me (Gotta love those rail replacement bus services), but on the plus side the clocks were going forwards so that means I gain an hour of sleep right? Wait, I lose an hour? Are you kidding me? Great so we reach that time of year where it gets to 7 in the evening and everyone goes “Wow I can’t believe how light it is at this time,” even though it happens EVERY BLOODY YEAR!!!

Where was I?

Ah yes, so as you can see I had quite the first world problem dilemma on my hands, as I am sure many of you have been faced with. You have a fun alcohol fuelled night ahead of you, bur beyond the horizon is a morning a hangover would not exactly be welcome. So follow my helpful guide on how not to get a hangover.

First thing’s first is some essential pre-planning and you cannot go wrong with (I should be paid for this endorsement) a large bottle of Orange Lucozade. I don’t know what it is about it, perhaps it’s the ungodly high levels of sugar (There goes the endorsement money) but this drink is the cure for all ills. Be it hangovers, illnesses, tiredness, loss of limbs – this drink will fix everything. With Lucozade bottle in hand, I left the theatre at 9pm with 12 11 hours to spare before I was supposed to be up for the following days film shoot. I find at times of walking alone to the DLR station that ringing a random friend for a friendly drunken chat, because it stimulates the brain to try and make you form coherent sentences, which is what sober people do, so you’re sobering up already! You’re well on your way to becoming a function human being again.

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If you have a journey home that involves a portion being spent on rail replacement bus services, make sure to wait until the very last-minute to find out which train you are supposed to be getting. That way, when you are Usain Bolting it to the other side of Waterloo station with seconds to spare, it will put you under a lot of stress and this will release sweat, which will then sweat the alcohol away and Hey look at that, you’re closer to sobriety already! Under stress, your liver will also release glucose to give you a boost of energy which, when mixed with the Lucozade fighting alcohol for leadership of your veins, will send you into sugar overload meaning you’ll be able to catch that train, no sweat (Well apart from all that you’ve leaked across the station).

Once on the train, shove your overly large headphones on and blast your music up to Eleventy-stupid, because ear drum shattering noises will force the hangover out of your system and my God you need to stay awake, just in case you did accidentally end up on the wrong train and may wake up in Scotland for all we know. Again, keeping those stress levels high will help sweat all that horrid alcohol out of your system.

Once you reach the station, where the rail replacement bus waits for you, dash off the train and wander around the station car park for about ten minutes. The fresh air will help clear your head, and the cool night wind will slowly calm you down after you realise “oh fuck the buses are on the OTHER BLOODY SIDE OF THE STATION!” But you remember that it’s buses, they’re never fucking on time, you still have another half-a-bloody-hour till you’re going anywhere. So sit back on that bus and try to get some much needed sleep, and pray to God one of the nice women on the bus is kind enough to shake your booze ridden corpse awake, once you reach the end of your journey.

Now, if you’ve gotten this far and not thrown up, gotten lost, passed out, or have managed to wake up and get off the bus in time, it’s time for a treat. And what treat always seem like a good idea when drunk? You guessed it! A kebab

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But not just any kebab, how about a kebab from a van right outside the train station? Because if you thought they tasted bad from actual shops, then you ain’t seen nothing yet. Jesus what was I thinking? Oh yeah, I was thinking I’m hungry and I trust a kebab van more than I do the train station vending machines. Plus I had about another 30 minutes to kill at this train station and having spent the past 2 and a half hours with my own company, I thought it would be good to shake things up by sharing it with a dodgy station kebab.

Now dear reader, pay attention as this next bit is important. Once your final mode of transportation arrives you may think it’s clear sailing from here, but you’re wrong. You may feel fine now, but the body is a cruel mistress so make sure you take every precaution necessary. Choose a seat near a toilet,but make it one of those small hand locked doors. I know there are bigger toilets, but if you need to throw up do you really wanna wait for those slow moving electronic doors? Also, don’t choose a seat with a table, too easy to fall asleep on it. If you absolutely must fall asleep, plug your headphones into your mobile and set two alarms, one 15 minutes before your train is due to arrive home, and one 5 minutes. Don’t sit near anyone, don’t talk to anyone, because why would you want to be in the company of others, when you can barely muster your own company? When you get home, throw the half eaten kebab in the bin, because you really don’t want to wake up spooning that horse carcass in the morning.

Stumble home, down a cold drink of water, and pour another one and have it next to your bed for the morning after. Then spend those precious few minutes, as you drift into the land of nod, PRAYING TO ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY – FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE DON’T LET ME BE HUNGOVER, PLEASE DON’T LET ME BE HUNGOVER, PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL……

Low and behold… it worked. I awoke fresh as a daisy (Granted a daisy that may have been chewed on by a stray cat, but a daisy none the less), and you could do too. Granted I imagine your drunken situations may not be exactly the same as mine, so just adapt my super helpful life advice to your sitation  and you too can be sure of a peaceful and headache free morning, with all your dignity in tact.

Or you could just not drink, but where’s the fun in that?

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P.S – Cheeky plug time. This April I will be performing in Yt2 Theatre’s production of the Simon Stephens play Birdland. We are taking the show up to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year, but before then we are hosting two performances at the Hanger Farm Arts Centre in Totton, Southampton. If you are in the area, or even if you’re not, you should really come and check out what will be a truly fantastic piece of theatre. And hey, maybe we can get drunk afterwards, because that’s what us theatre types do right?

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Tickets can be purchased here

P.S I am not responsible for any dumbass who chooses to follow my life advice.