Pick any of the previous 26 challenges we’ve done and write a NEW play following that brief.
This is a pretty good opportunity to go back to a challenge I struggled with, or go back to a play I hated and be able to tackle one of the previous briefs and create something better. Or I could just be completely lazy and re-do a challenge that was piss-easy because screw effort it’s nearly the end of the month and my brain is shot to s**t. So which option will I go for? The challenging option, or the easy option? Place your bets here people.
I went easy.
I chose to re-do Challenge 13, which was to write a Stream of Consciousness piece. This time I did it with a twist. I decided to write a stream of consciousness piece again, where I write non-stop for a certain period of time, and then go back to fix spelling errors and add stage directions. However tonight’s play comes with a twist. Rather than write from my frame of mind, I put myself into the mind of Warren Beatty as he prepares to go on stage at the Oscars, with Faye Dunaway to announce the Best Picture Award. What could possibly go wrong?
Credit goes to Jo Fisher for twhat might be my favourite title from this challenge so far.
Backstage at the Oscars
Warren and Faye are stood side-by-side holding an Oscar and a red envelope.
Warren: OK baby here we go. I am about to walk out onto the stage of the 89th academy award in front of a billion people. Here with my good friend Faye by my side… After she stopped being such a bitch in rehearsal, arguing over who holds the card, who opens the envelope, who holds the Oscar. Christ that woman. But it’s fine now. Who cares, here we are: Bonnie and Clyde together again. This is going to be great… and none of those fuckers are even gonna know who we are aren’t they? I hope they introduce us as Bonnie and Clyde so those young fuckers out there can go “oh yeah I recognise those names” and “that must be what Bonnie and Clyde look like now, haven’t they aged well?” Hope they do something like that. I hope they recognise us. Will they recognise us? Will they even recognise Faye if she ain’t in the hands of some old hairy gorilla. Oh wait, maybe that’s me.
They start to walk out onto the stage.
Oh god we’re walking out. Here we go, they’re clapping, they’re cheering. I guess that means they recognise us. They should recognise us. I’m Warren-Mother-fucking- Beatty, I’m the biggest movie star alive today. Yes I am alive people, believe it or not. Look at them, how shocked and amazed they are at seeing us standing right in front of them. Though that may be because they didn’t realise we were still alive. Come on I’m only 79 and Faye… well let’s just say she’s older ahahahah! They won’t know – they don’t even know who we are.
Who’s the guy that just won one? That Damien Chazzzy-something for Lalalalala land. Jesus Christ, look how young he is – mother’s milk wet on his face. He was nothing more than a glint in his Dads eye when I was one of the most recognisable faces on the planet. What will they say about my face now? They even covered it up in the fucking poster for my latest movie. Do these people even know I have a movie out now? Yeah, I’m still alive you fuckers, I have a movie out with that guy. You know, oh Christ how do you say his name? Adrian Eldorado …or something. I think he’s in a Star Wars or something. Look if Star Wars can make a comeback then so can I, and this is it. A billion people are watching Faye and I right now, as we get ready to announce the best film
They reach the Podium and Warren begins to open the envelope.
And here we go. I am opening the envelope. This is it. The world is waiting, the world is watching. Oh who am I kidding? No one cares who we are right now? We’re just going to say a film and that’s it. No one is going to care that it’s us. They’ll just be like “oh that’s nice, they’ve wheeled them out for the Oscars, like they did with Kirk Douglas, and then they’ll shuffle back to their home for retired washed up actor before bedtime.” No one is going to remember us by the end of….
He looks at the card and fumbles about with it.
Hang on. Emma Stone?
There must be some mistake here. Emma Stone for La La Land? I didn’t know she made the film on her own. My God these actresses keep getting better and better. How the hell did she do that? I thought the El Dorado guy made this movie, not Emma. Oh wait, is this a mistake? Have I been given the wrong card?
He fumbles about with the card some more, looking off stage.
Billions are watching me right now and I may have the wrong card here. I’m sure La La Land must be the winner. I mean its set in Hollywood; it’s about Hollywood and says how great Hollywood is, so it must have won. I mean there’s nothing we Hollywoodians love more than films telling us how great we are. So it must have won right? Who cares if this card doesn’t have the producer’s names on it, nobody cares about producers. What do they even do? No one goes to see a film because it’s produced by John Doe; they go to see it because of the actors name above the title, like Charlton Heston, or Kirk Douglas…. or Warren Mother-fucking-Beatty.
Faye starts nudging at Warren
Oh Christ, Faye is pushing me to announce the winner. Oh Jesus this has gone on too long. If I ask for my line, like some hack school boy actor on the stage, they’ll think I’m some doddering old fool. But if I say the wrong name or the wrong film, then I’ll be the laughing stock of the whole night. What do I do?
Faye nudges him again.
Oh will you shut up Faye, you’re such a pushy little irritant. I need to think, what do I do? What do I-? I’ve got it. She can read it. HA this is perfect. If I get her to read the card, then all pressure is off me and they’ll blame it on her. Warren you sly dog you. Your reputation is intact and Faye is thrown under the bus.
This will teach her for being such a bitch in rehearsal (Mockingly) “I wanna hold the card, I wanna hold the Oscar, I wanna say best film” Fuck off Dunaway; you’re only famous for fucking a stop-motion monkey in the 30’s. Well you know what fine. You read it.
Faye: La La Land.
A rapturous applause explodes from the audience.
Lights down slowly, with a small spotlight on Warren’s face.
Warren: Dodged a bullet!