Write an autobigraphical play… except that it’s not your autobiography. And in fact, it’s not even true!




I’m a Vampire – Nicolas Cage

The following is a Verbatim piece of theatre, every line of dialogue is taken from real accounts, interviews, and articles. They were compiled by the actor Nicolas Cage, an unknown source

Scene One

A photo of actor Nicolas Cage is projected onto the screen.

Enter Jack Mord, holding an old civil war photograph. That same picture is projected next to the one of Nicolas Cage, both bear incredible similarities.

Owen:            An antiques dealer from the US is trying to sell a picture (see above) of a soldier on eBay – taken in 1870 – for $1,000,000 as he claims it proves that the Hollywood actor Nicolas Cage is a vampire.

Dan Evon:    A Civil War-era photograph of Nicolas Cage has surfaced on eBay, and there is only one logical explanation… he’s a vampire. The photo, which is being sold by a man from Tennessee for an asking price of $1 million, shows the Oscar winner in a Civil War-era photograph. But what’s even more amazing, it appears that Nicolas Cage hasn’t aged a day since the photograph was taken.

Jack Mord:   Personally, I believe it’s him and that he is some sort of walking undead vampire, et cetera, who quickens/reinvents himself once every 75 years or so. 150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult or a talk show host.

Kathleen:      The seller, who goes by the name Jack Mord and has 100% positive feedback, insists the photo is the real deal and has not been manipulated in any way to make it resemble Cage.

Jack Mord:   Any serious potential buyer will be allowed to have a photo expert of their choice examine the original photograph before any money changes hands.

Kathleen:      But although the seller seems somewhat serious about his find, the commenters on his eBay page are finding the obvious humor in the ridiculous story.

Buyer #1:      dude … YOU smoke way too much weed!

Buyer #2:      Nick Cage has aged terribly in the past 10 years; he’s obviously not been drinking his daily amount of blood to stay young.

John Mord:  My theory is that he allows himself to age to a certain point, maybe 70, 80 or so, then the actor ‘Nicolas Cage’ will ‘die’… but in reality, the undead vampire ‘Nicolas Cage’ will have rejuvenated himself and appeared in some other part of the world, young again, and ready to start all over.

Kathleen:      The photographer who snapped the creepy pic, Professor G.B. Smith, was famous for his portraits of confederate Civil War prisoners of war. Cage has yet to confirm or deny his undead status.

Owen:            The photograph has since been taken down from eBay. It is unknown whether Mord found a buyer or whether, perhaps, Cage forked out a million dollars himself to hide his secret.

Dan Evon:    What do you think? Just a civil war prisoner? Or are we looking at definitive proof that Nicolas Cage is a vampire?

Lights down

Scene Two

Lights up.

The studio of “The Late Show with David Letterman,” and joining Letterman is none other than Mr Nicolas Cage.

David:            Err – maybe you know all about this – this is one of those things that’s sweeping the internet.  You know what I’m talking about?

Cage:             I have heard of it, yeah.

David shows the Civil War photo to the audience.

David:            Look at this. This is – er a guy finds this picture. This is – erm – for a Civil War – roughly 1860’s-

The audience start to laugh.

– Photo was taken in Bristol, Tennessee, and a- and a guy says that it likely is you.

The audience laugh

Cage:             Right. Well. Let me say that there is a resemblance but – how can I be polite about this? It’s a – er somewhat…slowed down version of me.

David:            Uh-huh.

Audience laughs

An image of Cage and the photo are projected side-by-side, which causes more laughter from the audience.

Let’s see that again, because there are some similarities.

Cage:             But its slowed down.

David:            Yeah.

More laughter and applause.

I think the…

More laughter and applause

that makes you a vampire.

Cage:             (Bewildered) Right.

David:            That’s the theory.

Laughter and applause

Lights down

Scene Three

Cage sits centre stage; he is wearing the same clothes as seen in the photo.

Cage:             The following are real accounts, recently discovered from the pages of history.

Spotlight on a Soldier – Robert Carter.

Robert:          My uncle, Moe Carter, was an officer in the United States Army and was stationed in Texas before the Civil War, to fight Indians. He was wounded by an arrow and came home to see us in Virginia just before the war started. He would not desert his flag and fought with the Union but was killed at… At least I thought he was killed… but… The stories you hear from…

Spotlight on another solider – Richard Palmer.

Richard:        No one believes me – why would they? I saw my friend Moe take an arrow to the heart. As far as we were concerned, he was a goner. He just became another corpse on the battlefield. No one could get to him, there were arrows… flying all- there was no way we could get to him. Yet… One man… He just…. He walked across the field with… he glided, he glides to Moe’s body. He knelt down and… I don’t know… All of a sudden, Moe was… Moe (Breaking down) He… He came back, he was-

The spotlights shuts off.

Scene Four

Cage is stood in a line of World War One Soldiers; he is stood in the middle.

Cage smiles that little bit more with every account from the soldiers.

Soldier #1:    I’ve never seen such bloodshed.

Soldier #2:    Our trench was surrounded.

Soldier #3:    There was no way out.

Soldier #4     We were outnumbered.

Solider #3:    Outgunned.

Solider #2:    And then… he just-

Soldier #1:    I’ve never seen such bloodshed.

Cage:             I have a rendezvous with Death

Solider #3:    There were 20 German Soldiers.

Cage:             At some disputed barricade,
When Spring comes back with rustling shade

Soldier #2:    All dead.

Cage:             And apple-blossoms fill the air-

Solider #1:    So much bloodshed.

Cage:             I have a rendezvous with Death
When Spring brings back blue days and fair.

Lights down

Scene Five

Lights up on a group of World War II Soldiers, they are sat around as if ready to be shipped off. Cage is sat amongst them.

Jack:              In December 1944, I departed for LeHavre, France, and entered combat on December 24, 1944. During our combat period, we were strafed by planes and attacked by the German 88’s. We did not remain in a position for more than one or two days, as there was a great need for our guns. He didn’t need guns.

Ron:               At the beginning of the Battle of the Bulge, our outfit was a good many miles southeast of the breakthrough point. I was the first gunner in our section of water-cooled 30 caliber machine guns. We were a Heavy Weapons Company of the 45th Division, part of General Patch’s 7th Army. But there was this one man… He never carried a gun.

Lou:               It was around December 28, 1944, in the vicinity of the town of Humain, Belgium. The morning was bitterly cold and foggy and the snow was about two feet deep with the fir trees covered with snow. Our platoon was the point as we reconnoitred through the dense forest towards our objective, the high ground overlooking a snow and fog covered valley. The enemy lines being about 400 yards to our front. The fog was heavy, visibility was only about 20 yards. Darkness began to set when the platoon leader met me. He was about to place concertina barbed wire in front of our defence positions. The platoon leader was to make contact with the platoon on our left flank. I was to contact the platoon on the right flank. We separated, with the fog getting dense and darkness falling rapidly. I thought I had walked more than far enough to contact the platoon on the right flank, so we could start setting up the barbed wire in front of our defensive position. Getting near, I started to walk more slowly. I did not want to startle anyone as I came upon them out of the fog, thinking I was the enemy and be shot at. I then saw them. A sea of bodies in the fog, with one stood over them. Blood running from his face. The blood of those that had fallen.

William:         The morning of December 24, about daylight, something woke me. I looked out the second story window and saw a man, camouflaged in white, sneaking along the road in back of the house. Since I knew our men had no reason to be infiltrating, I opened fire. The shot woke everyone else in town. …The shooting went on for about ten minutes, and we pinned down the Germans, which must have been the scouting element for the tanks, because lo and behold a column of 29 German tanks and half-tanks, loaded with men, came up out of the draw in back of the town and surrounded it. I figured this was the end of me, because we had already heard about the massacre at Malmedy. I figured I might as well keep shooting until the end.

But then the Germans stopped, one-by-one they…These were Hitler’s elite SS troops and they were all killed by one man… He looked like a man. Thus ended the “Battle of Heiderscheid.”

Cage:             When air raid sirens sounded

That long and eerie drone

Some hid under kitchen table

And some under pantry stone.

Lights down

Scene Six

Lights up on Nicolas Cage at a press conference, he is now in modern clothes.

Lauren:         Nicolas Cage is not a Vampire. At least… that’s his story.

Taylor:           Nicolas Cage says he’s not the living dead.

Sarah:            Cage protested this theory, perhaps a little too much.

Cage:             Now look, I don’t drink blood and the last time I looked in the mirror I had a reflection. Thank you.

He exits the podium. The lights fade and a clip from Vampire’s Kiss is projected on the screen. It’s the clip of Nicolas Cage running down the street screaming, I’M A VAMPIRE, I’M A VAMPIRE, I’M A VAMPIRE

Clip ends.

Dan Evon:    If you do think that Nicolas Cage is a vampire, you should probably check out this time traveling photo of John Travolta.

The photo of modern day John Travolta and the “time travelling John Travolta is projected on screen.

Lights down.