Everybody loves a good story, isn’t that right? So what happens if we try to eliminate that factor. I mean, can we write a play that has no plot… no story… no narrative… ? So lets try! Write a play without a plot – whatever that even means


I’ve seen quite a lot of TV shows and films recently that seem to have really great actors and/or potentially interesting characters wasated because they have nothing to do. Or I’ve seen really good characters, but they’ve ended up being shoved into boring or downright stupid situations because the plot was a load of nonsense.

Image result for sherlock season 4 explosion
Woops, how did this get here?

So I decided to create what could be the greatest charcaters of all time, but give them bugger all to do.


The Pitch

A blank stage

Spotlight on the WRITER, he is stood at the side of the stage addressing the audience.

Writer:           OK so picture it, our protagonist.

Spotlight on John Smith – His poses reflects what is being said about it.

We’ve got John Smith, he’s just an ordinary guy like you and me, except he’s been an orphan since his parents vanished under mysterious circumstances when he was 10. He is now 18 and finds out he has a special gift, he has the ability to communicate with the spirit world, and there is a prophecy that he could be the link between the mortal and the immortal world, to stop a great evil that could soon engulf us all.

We then have the Great Wizard Saige.

Spotlight on Saige

He is 1,000,000 years young. He’s a combination of Ben Kenobi, Albus Dumbledore, Gandalf, and Bruce Lee. Also he can fly and turn into a fire breathing dragon when dancing the Rhumba with….

Spotlight on The Spirit Queen

Our Queen – The Queen – Played by Helen Mirren of course, she is the Queen of the Spirit World. She is the most powerful being in all of creation. She has super strength, she can fly, turn invisible, and manipulate minds, sing, act and dance. When she was human, she won an Academy Award, Golden Globe, Tony, BAFTA, Emmy, Olivier, Annie, a WhatsonStage Award and the MTV Movie Award for Best Kiss all in one year. Her kiss now has the power to bring back the dead.

However, our heroes are only as good as our villains, and boy do we have some masters of evil for you.

Spotlight on the Muscle.

We have the man simply known as Muscle. Muscle – The best fighter in all the world. He makes the world’s strongest man look like a child’s tear. He’s a combination of Hulk Hogan, Rocky, The Rock and The Mountain but on the steroids that steroids take. He can split your skull in a blink of an eye; literally his eye kids could crush you.

Spotlight on Mysterio.

We have our main antagonist. The Dark Mysterio. He’s a combination of Moriarty, The Joker, Darth Vader, Voldemort, Claudius, Iago, Count Olaf, Count Dracula, Count Dooku, The Shark from Jaws, Jafar, Scar, The Child Catcher, The Wicked Witch, Donald Trump, Stalin and Bruce Lee. Plus he has a strong bond with the our John Smith. Did he kill his parents? How does he know John’s sister? Is there a heart of gold under that cold exterior? He can travel in time, he’s from the past, present and future, and he is has a dark secret, and a deeper connection to our hero…What is it? Who knows!

Spotlight on Shanster.

Joining our heroes we have Shanster, a real kick-ass woman, she’s an expert in Kung-Fu, Karate, Kick Boxing, Judo, Taekwondo, Jujitsu, and Origami. By night she is a crime fighting vigilante, who takes down criminals who have escaped the judicial system, and by day she’s a full time Social Worker.

Spotlight on Steve Christmas.

This is Steve Christmas. What more do I need to say? Everyone knows Steve Christmas and everyone loves Steve Christmas. He’s Steve Christmas. He’s cool, suave, all the men wanna be him and all the ladies wanna be with him. You know your life is in the right track when Steve Christmas is around.

Spotlight on The Goth Detectives

The Goth Detectives (ideally played by Russell Brand and Noel Fielding). Just give them 48 hours and they’ll get the job done, if they weren’t so bloody miserable. They ride from their coffins at dusk and the night is theirs.

Spotlight on Proffessor Genio

This is our brilliant mastermind Professor Genio. He could create the large hadron collider in his sleep. He has the most brilliant minds in the world and is also a living family man, but he is also struggling with early on set dementia. He has found a cure but his condition is so strong that he must choose whether to forget his genius, or his family for the sake of the other. But right now, the world needs his genius more than ever.

Spotlight on The Vampirates

A crew of deadly Vampire Pirates, and the scourge of the eight seas. Did I say 8? Yes I did because the deadliest sea resides in Davy Jones locker, the only passage for sailors to travel from our world to the next. Our heroes must fight this deadly crew, who are also the deathliest and most metallic band your eyes have ever seen. To listen to their music would cause your ear drums to implode!

Spotlight on Medusa.

Imagine Medusa but as a drag queen and all of her snakes have the personality of Hipsters, and she hates Hipsters, creating a dynamic like no other, between a Queen and her hair.

Spotlight on Cowboy Lucifer

Imagine Lucifer, but as a cowboy cyborg. Boom!

Spotlight on The Dali Llama

It’s just the Dali Llama, need I say more?

The Writer turns to his Studio Exec who is sitting in the audience.

So…what do you think?


Studio Exec:            Wow, I gotta say…Wow.

Writer:                       I know right!

Studio Exec:            This is going to be something special.

Writer:                       Thank you.

Studio Exec:            So what happens?

Writer:                       I’m sorry?

Studio Exec:            What happens? If this is how good the characters are, I can’t wait to hear what the story is gonna be.

Writer:                       The story? Right, yes…the story.


Studio Exec:            You do have a story, right?

Writer:                       Erm-

Studio Exec:            You’re kidding?

Writer:                       B-but look at these characters, ooooo look at them.

Studio Exec:            You’ve had two years to write this.

Writer:                       B-but that characters-

Studio Exec:            Characters Smaracters. You’ve forced me to put the SMA sound in front of the word, that’s how irrelevant they are, without a story.

Writer:                       Yeah but-

Studio Exec:            -I’m pulling the plug.

Writer:                       N-n-no wait, you can’t- you can’t pull the plug.

Studio Exec:            Why not?

Writer:                       I mean, I… Well – I mean with characters like these, the story practically writes itself.

Studio Exec:            OK.

Writer:                       OK?

Studio Exec:            Show me.

Writer:                       What?

Studio Exec:            Show me the plot, writing itself.

Writer:                       Erm…

He turns to the characters and gestures to them.

(Whispering) Go on then.

They all look at him dumbfounded.

Come on please.

They all slowly and awkwardly go back into their poses from the start, with a grimaced look on their face. The writer turns back to the Studio Exec.


The Studio Exec stares out toward the stage at the characters.

This continues for some time until either the characters walk off stage, or they attempt to do something. There is nothing else written here, I don’t know what to do. I have no idea what to make any of you do. It’s up to you guys on stage, just do something, or stand there in silence and wait for the audience to leave, but there’s going to be no indication for them to leave. There won’t be a change in lighting, there won’t be an announcement, and there sure as hell won’t be applause. So either you wait it out for an unbearable amount of time until the audience get the hint and piss off, or one of you have the balls to step up and do something.